Wednesday, March 25, 2009

What Went Wrong? A line-by-line analysis of the MTA budget

You have been raped. Yes. The MTA has just raped you and you should feel filthy and used. This is because your subway fares are being increased 28% while service is being cut. And you can't do Shit about it except take it.

But can you really just let this happen without at least understanding the cause?

Not long ago, the MTA tested the waters of public tolerance by raising the fare from $1.50 to $2.00 per ride under the pretext of financial melt-down. If you remember, the City of NY (after much B.S.) pried open the MTA's financial statements... The result turned out to be an alien autopsy on what was first believed to be human. The accountants cut in, found antennae, wings and three sets of genitals - then they closed the books back up and released the following statement: "….umm…"

The larger financial recession may have been a contributing factor to the collapse of the MTA. As you can imagine, it's much easier to kick someone in the head when they're already on the floor. This is the attitude the MTA has taken toward commuters, and has been the unofficial motto of the organization (followed by 30 seconds of evil laughter). To be fair, efforts have been made to cut costs. Instead of hiring expensive, highly trained accounting staff, the MTA decided several years ago to outsource money management to greedy death-row inmates in Folsom Prison, who are willing to work for a few days' extension on their life. Also, instead of paying expensive bank fees, the MTA has dug a large ditch to safeguard their revenue (using dynamite and prison labor). The ditch is located somewhere in East NY and is guarded by alligators and avian flu.

The truth is, there actually is an outlet for every dollar spent with the MTA. Nobody is just pocketing the money. Surprise. As the following excerpt from the MTA Income Statement will show, the majority of your money will actually be pocketed by many people and then spent on prostitutes and a galaxy of addictive high-powered drugs.


  1. This takes some time, but you get to speak to a prison inmate in the state of New York (The Fishkill facility) and to have them assist you in earning points on your license (by transferring you back to the automated voice system from which you managed to reach them and speaking in an enraged tone) follow instructions below:
    Dial 718-488-5710
    Press 1, 6, 6 (voice system talks for 15 min. without giving you the option to interrupt)
    Wait for approximately 10 minutes.

  2. Clarification: This is a DMV program. Just a tribute to other 3-letter agencies.