Thursday, April 30, 2009

A word on who exactly works for the MTA organization:

The Metropolitan Transit Authority company is comprised entirely of only children. You know, offspring who grew up without siblings, generally spoiled rotten by parents, and consequently vessels of extreme socialization issues? Right. These are the men and women making the decisions, pulling the strings, manning the labor, behind all MTA actions and endeavors. Once this knowledge is assimilated into your perspective, it may be easier to understand how the MTA has had the guts to do what it has done and when.
The average life-cycle of an MTA employee goes something like this:

1. Born as a single child
2. Weird socialization tendencies develop, such as: snatching things out of other kids' hands; eating all the cookies in the cookie jar; chasing pet hamster around cage with magnifying glass at 3pm when the sun is just right; eventually letting same hamster die of toxicity from living in overwhelming amounts of own excrement due to lack of cage maintenance
3. Mating with sheep
4. Gainful employment at MTA (world-wide recession ensues)
5. Mating with pig (Swine-flu pandemic becomes imminent)
6. MTA promotion and pay-raise

So don't take it personally when the MTA shits all over you. It's just that they don't know any better. They were raised by parents who either didn't really want them, or were too stupid to have more children. MTA is only the unfortunate side effect of poor parenting.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

MTA Q & A, Part 1

The following are commonly asked questions and FUMTA answers that will aid commuters. We welcome questions from readers and will post another Q&A soon in anticipation of further inquiries.

Q: When will the new fare increases become applicable?
A: As soon as it becomes impossible for you to afford it.

Q: What will decreases in service mean for me and my morning commute?

Q: How should I decide what kind of MetroCard to get?
A: You must ask yourself certain questions, such as, How often do I plan on torturing myself subterraneously? Do I want to have the option for unlimited hell that expires in either a day, week, or month? Or do I want to select exactly how many times I can be miserable, applicable for whenever I want, without an expiration date? Your personal state of masochistic desires is the true determining factor in this equation. Also, you may want to consider how badly you want to be financially raped at the moment of purchase. Sometimes, little increments of raping over a long period of time is easier; sometimes getting brutally defiled in one sweeping molestation is preferred. Remember, this is a personal choice. There is no right answer. Only many, many wrong ones. 

Q: Whatever happened to the 9 train?
A: What will soon happen to the V train. Sometimes it takes years for the MTA to realize the obsolete and redundant nature of a particular train route. In the mean time, enjoy.*

Q: Who is Muad 'Dib? 
A:  A prophet of sorts who has seen through the mad trail of extortion, sewage and aborted fetuses that is the MTA and devoted his/her** leisure time to enlightening the confused and angry masses of commuters fed up with the corrupt system. 

Q: Where does Muad 'Dib get his/her sources for information?
A: Don't ask me about my business, Kay.

Q: I have been searching for a cool movie review site for years. Can you help?
A: Actually, yes. Soon there will be an amazing movie review site that will be better than anything currently on the internet. Be on the lookout for:

Q: Where can I find more up-to-date information on the MTA?

*By "enjoy," we at FUMTA in no way mean to imply that you will actually receive any pleasure, convenience, or expedience from the MTA. In fact, it is best to expect the exact opposite. According to the online thesaurus, the antonyms of enjoy, in the context of "take pleasure in, from something," are: dislike, detest, hate. Also, in the context of "have the benefit of, use of," the antonyms are: lack, need, want. These antonyms are all words much more closely aligned with the feelings that the MTA will elicit from you. We apologize for any misconception we may have inadvertently caused. 

**In order to protect the identity of Muad 'Dib, whose safety, in speaking out against the evil forces of the MTA, is placed in great peril, it is necessary to refrain from divulging even the gender of the great prophet. 

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The only that is good about Lee, Massachusetts